Monday, August 23, 2010

He's Not Gonna Just Talk About His Classes, Is He?

No, he's not. Don't worry.

Although, I do want to try something a little different today, so stick with me.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Relationships with friends, family, and of the romantic variety. Thinking about this got me thinking about how people handle these relationships and I have a question:

Is anybody really any good at relationships?

Are there people out there who actually have no issues with any of their interpersonal relations? Do we, as a society, actually function properly or is it some kind of delicate balance of internal issues and the need for companionship that keeps us going?

These are the things that run through my mind all the time.

Most of the time these questions aren't quite on such a global scale. Typically, they are much more hyper-focused on me and my personal problems.

You know, the whole "why do I seem to always come home alone" question. It's idiotic, I know, but it still rises to the surface and eats away at any confidence I've managed to build up for myself since the last time it hit me.

But, upon further contemplation, I have to wonder; do any of us have it all figured out?

I don't think we do.

I think there are plenty of people that claim they do. Followings are built around these people, call them what you will: cults, support groups, "families," self-help symposiums, religions. But, the truth is, no one has it all figured out (well, maybe the Dalai Lama, but he'd probably deny it... further proof that he just might).

For a long time, I thought some people did have it figured out. They seemed "normal." Seemed like they were in total control. Of course, it was really an elaborate house of cards and shifting one Ace would bring the whole thing tumbling down.

This summer, I realized something. I am not "normal." Never will be, don't really want to be. After finding some like-minded people that I can truly consider peers, I realize that I've been worrying too much about fitting in.

Anybody who knows me is probably scratching their heads at that last statement. I don't tend to be part of the "in-crowd." Let me explain. I always get a little upset when people say I'm "weird." Why? I should be proud to wave my freak flag. They're "weird" for finding me "weird."

I have spent most of my life trying to impress people in some way. Either through word, deed, or sometimes appearance I would try to make people like me. We all do it to some degree. That girl you like is really into that crappy book series that's all the rage, what could it hurt to read? (answer: A lot. It hurt a lot) That guy you consider your friend doesn't like this other person you also consider your friend, what would it hurt to make jokes at their expense when they're not around?

I'm so sick of it. I sometimes feel like that Everclear song "Everything to Everyone." I've done it. I still do it. Afterwards, I hate myself for doing it.

Why the hell would I say I liked that? Typically to avoid an argument, I think. I don't want people who like me to get upset with me. Why? If you can't have a healthy discourse with your friends, what's the point of having conversations? What's the point of being able to form your own opinion? Be your own person?

I acquiesce far too much, and I'm done with that. If I don't agree with something you say, I'm going to let you know. I feel like an idiot for letting this hold me back for so long.

You stumble and you fall and you do it again.

William the Bloody Acquiescent Redd


serenity said...

"You stumble and you fall and you do it again." mhm indeed.

can't say i have "it" figured out, but i use 'do i like who i am when i am with them (or do this)' and if no is the answer then, something is amiss...

hang in there william. as an older nerd, i can say parts of it get a bit easier...but then other parts you didn't know exist come in to take their place xD

Scott said...

"That girl you like is really into that crappy book series that's all the rage, what could it hurt to read? (answer: A lot. It hurt a lot)"

Ha, that one gave me a good laugh my friend :P