Friday, October 23, 2009

Can't Sleep

My God!

Has it really been that long since my last blog?

I can't believe I let things go this long.

Well, the drought is officially over, I'm back. Right now, I'm just looking for something to keep my mind occupied because I can't sleep. The problem is, I don't know why.

There are some things going on that are causing me some concern, but nothing that I would think would keep me up at night. At least, I didn't think so.

Yet, here I am, awake at 4:45 in the morning after not being able to get comfortable in my bed and returning to my laptop to find some sort of solace online. And I sit here writing, with nothing in the world to talk about (because my concerns can't really be expressed right now, even if I could find the words, quarter to 5 is not the proper time).

So much is up in the air right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to about my whirlwind mind, but all the sane people are busy sleeping. Having dreams of better things (possibly some of worse, statistically speaking there would be a few nightmares in the mix). Even when awake, I tend to keep my troubles to myself, not wanting to bother anyone with my seemingly small issues.

Maybe they aren't small, but my lack of confidence tells me they are to other people, and so I don't share because I don't want to bore or annoy.

Self-loathing and self-doubt, two of the worse enemies a body could have, especially when they tag-team you into submission on a regular basis.

I just wish I could get out of my head for a while. Just turn off the ol' melon and do something mindless. Unfortunately, as much as I try to shut out all thoughts, they just keep slowly filtering back in. Even when I'm trying to focus on something like my reading, I find myself suddenly thinking of something entirely different.

Also, I haven't been writing. I've tried (or, I've tried to try), but nothing has come of it. I have plenty of ideas, too many ideas, I just can't start writing. This is the first thing I've written that isn't a private thought never to see the light of day in weeks. I'm hoping this is a sign that my creative energy is going to be directed back to the proper avenues.

If you see more posts from me, it would appear that is the case, if not...

I almost shudder to think what happens if I stop writing again.

NaNoWriMo starts in just two weeks. Gotta start getting in the habit of writing daily to prepare for the challenge of writing part of a novel every day of the month. Part of the problem there is I have several ideas for plot lines, but no idea which one to write!

Maybe I could just start writing on November 1st and we'll see where it goes.

Here's hoping I post something... ANYTHING tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day...

William the Bloody Optimistic Insomniac Redd


Scott said...

Just write it and don't worry about the quality. I have a feeling it will come to you easier as you progress. And if it sucks, you can always edit the hell out of it right? Having something horrible down is a hell of a lot better than nothing :)

William the Redd said...

That's very true. I appreciate it.

And I'm working hard on trying to shut down my internal editor when I write. It's tough though, I constantly want to fix things as I go.